i just wanna soil my oats bro
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
