He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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