Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
