i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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