I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
