When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
