doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
