I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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