yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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