Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
