my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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