he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize