I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
