trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Text me some of your sweat
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