what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
