Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
