her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
