i wish my penis had a tongue
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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