You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
