Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
