did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
