If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up under a house in Key West
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