What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
