He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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