the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
