I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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