and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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