and you said cock pushups were impossible
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
