you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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