I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
