he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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