Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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