I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
