the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
