Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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