Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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