So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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