Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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