i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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