Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
