I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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