went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
