how can u be prego again
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
