Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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