if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
