im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
