wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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