Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
