She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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