you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
