I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
