They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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