I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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