All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
