Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
