I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its about making memories worth repressing
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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