Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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