Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
