i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
