If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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