checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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