Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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