did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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